"Speak To Me Hot Lips With Burning Kisses"

The Idiot Game

2010-11-30T15:51:00.000-08:00

I have recently begun finding ways to channel my road rage on my commute home from work. If there was no traffic, the drive would take about 20-30 minutes which I don't mind as it allows me time to debrief the day and then move on to whatever the evening has in store. But on most days it can take anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour and a half.

The Idiot Game is something I've created to not get angry at the number of stupid drivers out there but instead tolerate them as nothing more than idiots. So one of the 3 interstates that I take to get home is the George Bush Tollway. I love this road. There's hardly ever any traffic going the direction I'm headed. There's hardly ever idiots. Then I exit on to 635 heading east. From the point in which I get on 635, there's about a mile and a half until it begins mixing/exiting/intersecting with 35 which runs north and south sometimes AND east and west sometimes...that's another entry for another day. However, for that entire mile and a half, there are signs above the right lane that tell a driver that that particular right lane will eventually exit onto 35. It's going to exit. It's exit only! Okay, here you go, last warning, you're about to be on 35! There's at least 4 of these signs. So, in the first week of my driving on this road, I learned pretty quickly that as soon as I get on I need to move over two lanes to be just in between the far right and the far left which scares me because people drive too fast in that one...and don't even get me started on HOV lanes. There's not enough Valium on the planet to get me driving over there.

So this is where I make my prediction of how many idiots are in the right lane. I make my prediction and then drive, slow down, stop, drive slow, stop, drive slow, stop, inch forward and so on. The reason? Because the idiots in the right lane who are too busy talking on their phones or just being idiots have missed ALL the warnings and then suddenly realize that they don't WANT to get on to 35 and must now figure out a way to cease going 50 miles an hour and merge into the middle lane which isn't moving. So they just stop. They stop there and put on their blinker and then I watch as cars behind them, also going 50 miles an hour and WANT to get on 35 either screech to a halt, drive on the shoulder to get around them and avoid wrecking or are forced to also slow down because the idiot in front of them didn't pay attention.

It's simple really. PAY ATTENTION! I have no tolerance for you and typically on principle alone (which I realize is not contributing to the solution but adding to the problem) I will not let them in. To me, they should have followed the rules. Today I guessed 4 idiots. BUT, in reality, I counted 13. Ridiculous.

I don't understand some people. I truly don't understand how some people live their life so oblivious to rules and procedures. I don't understand how some people don't think that rules apply to them. I don't understand when some people assume that for them, there will be no consequence. It's their world. We just live in it. This drives me crazy. (I should have mentioned I have insane amount of road rage.)

My car got broken into on Sunday. Normal people would have broken into my car only to realize it was an epic fail. They probably would have had the same feeling if they broke into my wallet. There was nothing in there that they could have pawned or stolen that would have been worth the time it took to get in in the first place. But alas, they broke in, rummaged around, made a mess and stole 2 coats, a fleece pullover, some mixed cds, a garage door opener and a cord that connects an ipod to the radio (sans the ipod). They left a mess. They pissed me off and they got away with it.

That infuriates me too! Worthless. And because they probably committed the entire act in less than 20 seconds, they knew going into it that they wouldn't get caught, that there would be no consequence for their behavior. They will continue to be low lives and continue to go through life making poor choices because they think they can. Maybe it's just my personality, but I feel guilty taking the last chip at a table full of people sharing an appetizer before dinner much less causing wrecks or breaking into people's cars. At what point do people stop realizing that for every action there is a reaction and for every choice there is a consequence? I just can't stand when there is no accountability and wish that at some point either some of the idiots in my game would get a ticket and be safer on the road or that the people who stole my pink pea coat would get caught so that they know it's not okay to take what's not yours. Funny though to think about it, I'm sure that one of those drivers would go to court to refute the ticket or the little bastards that broke into my car would say it was my fault for leaving stuff in it in the first place. Idiots.

Unfortunately, to stop and think, I feel like there's far more idiots in this world than we have time for. I'm not saying I don't have my moments of being one myself and I'm not saying I don't make stupid decisions every now and again, but I expect that I, myself, will hold me accountable and that others would to. That's part of NOT being an idiot...realizing that life doesn't always go your way because you want it to.

That's my rant for today. Blame it on the Idiot Game getting me worked up at a record high of 13 or the fact that it was 40 degrees outside and my perfectly great pink pea coat is being worn by...well, not me.

But, to end on a positive, at least I can go to sleep tonight and reflect on my day and be thankful that for at least today, I WAS NOT AN IDIOT.

Favorite Things

2010-11-28T16:42:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been almost a year since my last entry on my blog. I'm ashamed really. But I've decided in the past couple of weeks or so to do better. I'm going to make it a point not to stress about what I should write about or trying to be funny or trying to make talk about something worthy talking about...I think I'm just going to talk. I'm good at that.

Last week I made it a point to set my DVR to record Oprah's Favorite Things episode. I haven't watched it in years, but for some reason thought I should set to record this year...only to realize it was going to be a 2 part-er and I would miss part 2 because I waited too long to watch part 1. But when I did finally get around to watching part 1, I was a little taken aback because while they are her favorite things for this year, are they all that realistic for the average Jane? They are pricey and a little over the top. She showcased things like Sparkly Ugg Boots that run about $175 and diamond earrings for $1900. Certainly there are more affordable items on her list. But regardless, it inspired me to share some of MY favorite things at the moment.

POPCORN

We eat a lot of popcorn at our house. I personally am not a fan of the microwave kind but love making it on the stove with a little oil, a little salt and a little patience. It always reminds me of this old popcorn maker we used to have that slowly melted and dripped butter on the pieces as the popped into the bowl.

On a recent visit to CVS to get lord only knows what, I ran across the American Era appliances that they have, each costing around $20 and one of them was a retro popcorn popper! Love love!

SMELL GOOD

A few months ago, some students got together to give me a present for a project I worked with them on. They gave me an assortment of Philosophy products and a few other fun trinkets. I had never used Philosophy before for no real reason really but fell in love with their "grace" line. The smell is absolutely amazing and one of my most favorite products is the shampoo bath and shower gel or the lotion in the same line. It smells awesome. I actually find myself wanting to sniff at my arms on the days I've bathed and saturated my skin in it. It runs about $22 but philosophy.com is still having some Black Friday/Cyber Monday sales!

COUPONS

My new favorite daily email is from livingsocial.com. They give coupons every day (sort of like groupon.com) to different deals and events in your city. They have everything from yoga classes to eye exams, restaurants and clothing stores. It's awesome and some days the deals truly seem too good to be true.

GIFT CARDS

Charitygiftcertificates.org will let you purchase a gift card in any amount for Charity Choice. The recipient can then go to their site and choose on their own who will get the donation. You give the amount, they choose where it goes! I think this is such a cool idea!

COOKING

I recently received these adorable measuring cups from Pier 1. They are $12 at pierone.com and so cute. NO rummaging around in the draws for them because they can sit on a cute little shelf as if they are meant to be part of the kitchen decor! They have other kinds too but these are definitely my favorite!

COLD FINGERS

I hate being cold. BUT, I understand that for the state I live in and for the next 4-7 weeks, I will have to endure it. Saw these fun little gloves that are fingerless so you can still function without feeling like a toddler with square hands! They are on lailarowe.com for about $10 which is pretty sweet and come in a few different colors!

GET YOUR GAME ON

Monopoly Cards is one of the most awesome games ever! It can get brutal but it is really fun. We have also amended the rules a little bit. There's certain cards we take out to make it last a little longer and increase the strategy quotient but regardless it is a fun time! It's about $5 and is in most drug stores, Wal-Marts and Targets.

So those are just a few of the things that are my favorite right now. I will try to think of more besides just diet coke and cheese dip...AND here's to blogging more!

The art of shoe flipping...

2010-01-13T18:10:00.000-08:00

I have a pretty decent memory. I remember a lot of things.
Today I got to thinking about teachers I've had. I remember all of them.
K-5: Mrs. Lyle-We were the teddy bear class.
1st: Mrs. Qualey-She was funny but also sort of intimidating. I remember having to read 100 books in her class.
2nd: Mrs. Washburne-She was so pretty and moved to Minnesota in the middle of the year. We gave her ice skates as a going away present. Then we had Mrs. Hobbs. She had 3 daughters. One was named Marcie. I remember thinking that was such an interesting name since the only person I thought was named Marcie was friends with Snoopy and Charlie Brown.
3rd: Mrs. Tabor-I learned cursive and division in her class. I remember she told me my cursive handwriting was too fat and needed to go on a diet. It sort of made me sad.
4th: Mrs. Smith-We were the Snoopy class. She was very fun. She was also the first grown up I ever remember see cry when her husband came up to school when we were lining up from lunch. He told her that her father had died. We were all very scared.
5th: Mrs. Hobbs again-She changed grades. I got to have her again AND hear more stories about Marcie. I never met Marcie in person. She was much older. Mrs. Hobbs got pregnant that year I think. She had a boy.
But that whole time, we also got to go to the classes like Music and Art and Computers and Library. So today I got to thinking about my Library teacher...Mrs. Richards. She was very tall and very graceful and always wore long wrap around skirts...I think those were cool then. She had glasses and little gold dangly earrings. Her hair was perfectly curled and sprayed each day and I remember thinking it was a little strange because she walked to school every day. I learned later she just lived about 2 blocks away.
Mrs. Richards would read to us for about the first half hour of Library while we sat at brown laminate tables and then we could go and check out a book during the last half that we could take home and return the next week. When we found a book, we would leave this plastic stick in its place so that we could learn to return to its place the next time. I remember feeling as if the library was a little overwhelming with so many books. I bet if I saw it now, it wouldn't be all that big. I also remember being so excited to check out a little red book called "Eli Whitney". I thought it was going to be about a girl named Ellie. I didn't realize until much later that I was pronouncing it wrong. When I started reading and becoming very bored, I never finished it. She asked me the next week if I had liked it and I told her that I had. I never read past chapter one. I just returned it to its rightful spot instead, disappointed that it wasn't about a girl with such a fun name.
But when Mrs. Richards would read to us, she had a very calm voice, a very pretty voice. But I never listened to a thing that she read because I was always watching her shoes. She would sit up on a stool that she would have to boost herself up on. She always wore flats with knee socks and while she would read, she crossed one leg over the other in the most ladylike of fashions and she would bounce her shoe on and off, on and off, on and off. It NEVER fell. I always wondered if it would. I remember she had a pair of shoes that had her monogram on them. I can also remember wanting to be able to flip my shoe JUST like she did because THAT would make me a lady...just like her. On and off, on and off...as it scratched against her knee socks. It was such an art form really.
I realize this is a random thought. But this evening at dinner, I had backed away from the table and had one leg crossed over another. I suddenly looked down and noticed that I was wearing a dress, with tights and flat shoes and I was flipping my shoe, on and off...on and off...just like she did. For just a moment, I thought of her and wondered what she might be doing now. I'm sure by now she's a grandmother. I wonder if she still lives in the same house. I wonder if she is still as graceful and lovely now as she was then although I can't imagine that she wouldn't be. THen I sort of wondered if she still flips her shoe. While I don't know that I could ever be the lady that I had created her to be in my mind, today, for just a few moments, I thought that I was.
I feel sort of bad now for lying to her now about Eli Whitney.

McDonalds on Montfort

2009-11-21T14:37:00.000-08:00

My friend Elizabeth had her second baby this week. In fact, she had him via emergency c-section after she ruined her matress with broken water.

She already has a five year old son Jack, who is too hyper for his own good but always provides me with some childlike entertainment.

So today, I offered to have a play day with Jack so that Elizabeth, her husband, and the new baby Alex could stay in the hospital without trying to entertain a five year old at the same time.

I walked in to her hospital room to realize that she was watching a movie that the hospital had mandated for her as a mother...for the second time. She couldn't stop the movie and as terrible as she felt about it, I sat and watched it with the little fam. It was miserable...and graphic. It was about breastfeeding and cords and circumcising and the evolution of a childs first bowel movement...which OMG, that's atrocious and I may have vommed in my mouth a little.

Needless to say that when my BC alarm went off on my phone, I was tempted to take two. So then it was my turn to hold baby Alex before taking Jack away for play day. As I transfer the sleeping tot to my un-cradle like arms, he starts squaling and looking for food (I knew that's what he was doing from the video I just watched)...and I have NONE of that to offer. So I had to give him back. After feeding time was complete she gave him back to me so she could eat her lunch. He started squaling again...and turning weird colors, and just when I was starting to think the kid just completely hated me, I realized that I was in the midst of that preliminary bowel movement.

So Jack and I went to lunch. He got to pick...and chose McDonalds. Despite the fact that he had it for breakfast this morning with his dad and for lunch yesterday as well. So, to be the coolest play date ever, I drove him past multiple McDonald's only to lead him to the mecca of all McDonald's playlands...the one on Montfort Drive.

Now, this isn't just any McDonald's. The whole thing is in the shape of an old school happy meal box, AND the inside is designed more like a fine dining experience. For a moment upon walking in, you completely forget that you don't order from your table and that before you pay your bill, you may have to contemplate supersizing that. I had high hopes for this McDonald's.
For the most part it delivered.
We go in and order. Jack can barely sit still he's so excited about this playground. He picks at his food and about two french frieds in finally says he's too full to eat anymore and that playing would probably make him feel better. FALSE. So after rationing out what I believed to be three bites of cheeseburger for him to eat prior to any amount of play time, he informs me that he'll eat the bites but that it's just too loud in the dining room and he thinks it will make him feel better to go in the play room. FINE. I'M OVER IT. GO.

Playroom is pretty fabulous...except that while we were in there and I observed from a happy table, I noticed that not very many people there spoke English. I saw what looked like an extremely awkward teenager who probably went through puberty a bit too early get stuck in a tunnel. I noticed that playlands now come complete with video games built into the walls (isn't that the point of getting them out of the house?). I noticed a dad of two hitting on me between fielding calls from his wife...loser. I noticed a family of 8 praying before their meal after the mother scolded them for wanting to eat without doing so, saying "just because this meal isn't in our kitchen doesn't mean the rules change" and then watched as her kids fought about who had more french fries not two seconds after "amen". And then finally when I thought I just couldn't take much more, I noticed the icing on the cake...a small girl, about 5 or 6, ramming her hands repeatedly into a clear room attached to the playland chanting, "You bitch, you bitch, you bitch!" Her mother didn't bat an eyelash.

Overall...pretty cool place...but I wasn't devastated when Jack said he was ready to go.

Never thought I'd call this place home...

2009-11-18T18:10:00.001-08:00

It's been almost 3 years since I moved to Texas. Almost. Not quite.
For the first 15 months of living in this state, I hated it and couldn't wait to leave. However, I have found in recent months that in a place I never thought would be "home" I can feel my roots sinking deeper and deeper.

So, as I start to make a transition in to actually referring to myself as a "Texan", I'd like to reflect on some of my observations as an outsider looking in, soon to be an prideful insider...

1-The best Mexican restaurants serve runny "white cheesy dip" in a little plastic bowl and it's sort of like heaven. In addition, they serve white cheese on tacos and your meal total WITH beans and rice will be less than $5. Places like that don't exist here. Here it's Tex Mex...and queso...and ORANGE CHEESE...and sometimes comes with guac or sour cream or meat stirred up inside it...and it's delish...not white cheesy dip delish, but still need to unbutton my pants and lay on the floor for a while delish.

2-When you register to vote here, you must also declare Texas or OU fan. "Neither" is not an acceptable answer. "Alabama" is also not acceptable. You must choose...burnt orange or crimson. I wear crimson for Alabama but can't bring myself to declare OU. So my answer will be a very hesitant UT...but like the longhorn with two horns one either side and a bunch of bull in the middle, I declare my pseudo pride for UT.

3-There's a hole in the roof of the Cowboys Stadium so that God can look over the team as they play. It's a big hole. It's a big stadium...so that's a lot of God. I think for some, attending a game is the equivalent of going to church.

4-There are a LOT of interstates here. More interstates ONLY equals more bad drivers, more accidents, and more congestion. I hate all of these things. BUT, I have found that I base my day and where I'm going around rush hour traffic.

5-Aparently, people in East Texas are a different breed, and talk like they are from the deep South. Anytime I meet someone for the first time, if they don't know that I moved here from Alabama, one of the first questions I get is "What part of East Texas are you from?" or "I just love your East Texas accent". FALSE. I was born in East Texas and my parents were smart enough to move me away from there before I was even half a year old. My accent is from Alabama and Mississippi and maybe parts of South Carolina...and by golly, I'm keeping that piece of the South with me...which leads me to my next point...

6-TEXAS IS NOT THE SOUTH! They think that they are. But they are not. It's its own entity. Should probably be it's own country.

7-You must own cowboy boots.

8-EVERY school here has a hand sign to go with it. Not like a gang one...just some sort of "thing" that they do with their hands just to make sure that despite the shirt they may be wearing or the team they are probably cheering for, that you can tell what school they support. Now, there are only so many things you can do with one hand...so props to the creativity of all of various gestures the Texans have come up with to implement with their fingers...

9-Texas is huge...and it gets flatter the further west you go...

10-Texas is sort of a good place to be...with lots of history, good people, fun things to do, and as I flew in today, from another work trip, I put down my book and recognized interstates to stay off of from the traffic once I landed, and the new stadium that looks like a UFO landed in a field, and the downtown skyline, and then it occurred to me..."I'm so glad to be home."

Tales from the Crib

2009-11-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

Another week, another story of the roommates.

This week has been full of arguing and amicable fighting. It started when Josh realized that for the 10th week in a row, I had in fact beaten him once again in our college football spread, three of those weeks winning money. So he spent a lot of time and energy on his spread this week. He researched every mascot and decided that he would think differently about the matchups. For example, when filling out his spread sheet, and listening to him talk to himself, his process would be somewhat like the following if we use the University of Texas & The University of Oklahoma:

"Okay, a Longhorn, versus a Sooner. What the hell is a Sooner anyway? Didn't they just travel across the country in a covered wagon? Hmmm...I know how that turned out when I used to play Oregon Trail on the computer...most of my characters died of dysentary or drowned in the river when we were trying to get across. But a Longhorn, they were also on that journey and sometimes got traded to other travelers but if it came down to a death match, the Longhorn could probably knock over the covered wagon while the family was resting peacefully after a long day, jump on it and thus take them all out. So I'll go with the Longhorns over the Sooners."

He has conversations similar to this one for EVERY game that comes on. What I've learned from hearing these conversations the past few weeks is that the SEC has some pretty fierce mascots and that NOTHING at all can ever beat a Sundevil.

This method did help Josh on our football spread this week. He beat me by one game. The winner beat him by one game, thus making Josh a loser once more. Too bad.

BUT, Josh wasn't around last night to see his near victory. After working all day, he came home and interrupted my crafting projects to make me help him with his Halloween costume. It is worth noting here that the reason I stayed home to craft was because I was so anxious for all the trick or treaters we were going to have in our cute little neighborhood. Two giant bowls of candy and all we got were two stinkin teenagers not even in freakin costume. But that's a rant for later.

So Josh was on his way to a party in Dallas. AND, because he relies on Jim from The Office to provide him with his creativity, he made me paint the word BOOK in large letters across his face so that he could go as "facebook" OR as he says, Jim from The Office. He doesn't in any way shape or form resemble Jim, although he did relentlessly try to make the faces. So after painting his face, I made him take the costume to the next level. I went out in the garage and found a bucket full of pins that I used to have to wear on my overalls in my washboard band, and pinned them all over his shirt, thus adding Facebook Flair to his costume. Them I hung a dry erase board around his neck with a marker so he could update his status ALL night long. Then I made a sign and hung it on him that said RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE...as if that wouldn't be obvious!

He looked a hot mess. It is now officially Nov. 1. No longer Halloween night. Josh just walked in the door. I wonder if that Relationship Status changed last night! Because his football rankings sure as heck did NOT!

My favorite websites...

2009-10-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

I am not what some would consider very technologically saavy. For example, last week, I tried to create a website to sell some of my artwork and I failed at it miserably. In fact, I failed so miserably that it locked me out of my own account...THAT I PAY FOR! So there's $13 I can never have back...wish now I would have spent it on cheap wine or a couple of days worth of McDonald's crispy french fries!

So, that being said, I always get jealous when I hear my friends refer to SUPER cool websites that I don't know about...so for this addition of my blog, I will share some of my very most favorites but am ALSO asking for some additional suggestions to broaden my horizons...

My top five:

5) http://www.facebook.com/

This one should not really be a shock to anyone, but I feel very attached to facebook as I have watched it grow from a very simple, very basic, one picture, "my name is", and "my favorite books are", write on my wall or shoot me an email social networking site for college students into a forum for anyone and everyone, including parents and grandparents to update their status update every second of the day on any topic they so desire including things like "I'm bored" or "My wife is dialated to 37 centimeters and will start pushing soon", purchase a virtual sheep for their virtual farm, send someone a pin for their bulletin board called flair with catchy phrases like "Southern girls do it better" or "boys are like purses-cute, full or crap, and easily replaceable", and upload thousands upon thousands of pictures-boring, inappropriate, of buildings, or that you took of yourself making a kissy face. AND, while we're on the subject I would like to throw out a couple rules that I wish facebook would implement: 1) no status updates involving centimeters, inches, or pounds of ANY kind 2) if you need to play mafia, STEP AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER, find a group of real friends, a deck of cards, and call it a day 3) your kid is cute and I often look at your pictures of them, but I don't need to hear about potty training, nursing, nap time, or the realm of smells coming from a diaper. Instead, try updating on things like FOOTBALL-I heard Holy Cross is having a good season, TODDLERS & TIARRAS, DUMB PEOPLE, BAD DRIVERS...ANYTHING!

4) http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

All I can say to kick this one off is I wish I would have thought of it. Of ALL of the ridiculous text messages I've sent under the influence and regretted the next day, why on EARTH did I not think to publish them?!??! But wait, if I couldn't think of it on my own, leave it to someone else who did and makes me laugh to the point of exhaustion. On this site, all you do is submit either really ridiculous text messages you have sent or received...that's it. Here's some highlights from today's updates: "This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list", "They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes" and "She has 2500 facebook friends-I probably should have used a condom".

3) http://www.postsecrets.com/

This is my favorite Sunday morning addiction. Post Secrets started out as a social experiment by a man named Frank Warren who walked the streets of New York many years ago handing out self addressed stamped postcards and asked people to anonymously write down one of their deepest darkest secrets. Years later, he has hundreds of thousands of intricately decorated postcards with all kinds of secrets. Each week, he'll scan a few in on his blog. Now, he has 4 books published...no words, just pictures of the cards and he is on a speaking circuit on college campuses. Some of the secrets are funny, some are sad, but all are real...and I love it. I have yet to send one in and often wonder what mine would say if I did.

2) www.igoogle.com

This is my most favorite time killer. I started my igoogle and uploaded all sorts of cool applications to my page. I had celebrity gossip, the local weather in case I was too lazy to look up from my computer and out the window, inspirational quotes that I never looked at...and then...THEN I discovered Flood-it. This is really the only reason I log in to igoogle anymore. It's a game. It's a simple game with the addiction of what I imagine crystal meth has. I am obsessed. THEN I got Tom hooked on it...so hooked that he truly believes he can beat my best score. I have a hard time believing this and have noticed that really all he is doing is messing up my overall statistics! THEN it got worse. We found out that there's a Flood-it application for iphones. So one Sunday football day instead of watching the game at the establishment we were frequenting, we took our friend Graeme's iphone and downloaded the app, played until his battery went dead and then got him addicted to too. I don't have an iphone so it was a clear choice to add this facet of my life to my friendship with Graeme. Besides, I can't spend the money on an iphone because all I'd do is upload Flood-it. I'm not sure I'd even answer the dumb thing.

1) www.sporkle.com

OMG...this is the mecca of lists. It's amazing and uber addicting. All it is is lists, tons of them, lists about everything...thing you hit start and try to race the clock to fill in all the lists. It's amazing...and ridiculous and I cheat...actually maybe not cheat, I just get frustrated, give up, look at the answers, and then start over.

So there it is. Now I'm taking recommendations. I don't play on the web a whole heck of a lot, but I am always looking for fun crafts, fun games, good articles that don't make me feel guilty about weight or money and fun stories that don't make me cry. Anything regarding Toddlers & Tiarras is also acceptable!

Happy reading!

What about golf makes your butt sore?

2009-10-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my fantastic bf decided to take me to the driving range to hit golf balls. I've been begging to do this for as long as we've been dating...which depending on who you ask will vary in length...another story for another day.

It's worth noting at this point that I'm not really new to golf. In fact, I come from a very serious golfing family. My grandparents played so much that growing up, I think I may have thought it was their job. My grandfather put me in golf lessons when I was younger and so I would be most prepared for class, my grandmother gave me golf clubs that had blue laquer heads with cute little white and yellow daisies embossed in them. That may have been the only reason I was truly interested at first. My class only had two people, me and a girl named Meredith who had normal golf clubs and eventually went on to become state champion in Louisiana. Clearly, she wasn't in it for the daisies. It was also a convenient lesson because it was right after tennis lessons with Eddie Copete (which is pronounced Co-peddy which made THAT class even more fun because his name rhymed). AND, after golf, I got to go to the pool. So win win for everyone involved. However, I don't remember staying in golf all that long...it may have had something to with the fact that in comparison to my classmate, I failed with flying colorful daisies.

So yesterday was the first time I've picked up a golf club with the actual intention of hitting a ball with it in a long time. We drove to a nearby driving range. Everyone there was Asian, which is completely fine, but just a little unexpected. I was in jeans. It had also rained for two days prior to our golf date. So in true Huck Finn fashion, I rolled up my pants, ignored my cute flats that were not keeping even an ounce of moisture from my feet and pretended to know what I was doing.

For the first, oh, 15-27 swings, I had good form, except, I never hit the ball. Yep, swing and a miss...every time. It made a pretty cool sound, but I'm guessing that if someone saw me (besides Tom who is obligated to be supportive), I would have looked as if I was chopping away at the grass...except I wasn't really hitting that either. But alas, ball 28 and I launched it. In fact, I launched a lot of balls. I also knicked a few only rolling them off the tee, but making that bucket last MUCH longer. I wasn't completely terrible which was surprising. I also had a death grip on the club so that by the time our bucket had run out, I had rubbed the grip off on my right hand which was a disgusting shade of black and had rubbed my left hand raw leaving it to throb the rest of the day.

However, today, I am sore. Not just a little sore like "Wow, that was a great workout and I can feel my muscles taking shape". We're talking torn ligaments, jelly arms, hurts to brush my hair kind of sore. But the strangest part is my butt hurts too! How on earth can a bucket of balls, over 150 swings (half of which I "wasn't putting my hips into"), and an hour in a puddle with a semi-floating tee can leave one so sore? I'm baffled. Last time I checked, your butt has NOTHING to do with the game of golf, aparently mine however does. (Insert any inappropriate joke here.)

So my goals for the next day at the driving range are as follows:

-keep my eye on the ball

-put my hips into it

-wear a glove (possibly one with sparkles)

-choose a dry earth day

-wear padded biking shorts, just in case the pads might protect me from the soreness of butt later

-bring Icy Hot

-hit the highway with a golf ball

-invest in some cute pink knickers to wear OVER the padded shorts

-see if I can't purchase those old daisy golf clubs of mine on ebay

Are you Kosher?

2009-10-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

Last night, my roommate, fondly nicknamed Bisker or Wisker depending on what comes out of my mouth at the time, and I were watching Glee. Glee has a Jewish character on it named Rachel. Rachel is a very pretty girl. Last week, watching Glee, Josh/Bisker/Wisker decided while watching that he wanted to date a Jewish girl because "they are all hot". I ignored him hoping the thought-which inevitably with him would lead into a conversation-would just go away...which it did...until last night. It should be noted at this time that Josh is Lutheran.

The following is the conversation that followed.

Josh: Damn. I need to date a Jewish girl.
Me: Why?
Josh: Because I think they're hot.
Me: Until you meet one that you think is ugly.
Josh: Nope, they're all hot.
Me: How do you know? You've seen one...on a TV show!
Josh: Seriously, Bisker, help me find a Jewish girl.
Me: Where am I supposed to find one?
Josh: I don't know. I just need to meet one.
Me: Meet one online.
Josh: What am I supposed to do, search Jewish girls online?
Me: Here, I'll google it.

Sarah googles...

Me: You can meet one on JDate.com.
Josh: What's that?
Me: An online dating site for Jewish singles. I'm signing you up. (typing typing typing) It's asking me to describe what you are and I can't pronounce the choices.
Josh: So what do I put?
Me: I put that you're "other".
Josh: Should I put I'm a "chicsa"?
Me: Nope. That means a non-Jewish girl. Now it wants to know how often you go to synagogue.
Josh: Um...never?
Me: Correct. You should put never. You never go. Are you Kosher?
Josh: I don't even know what that means.
Me: I think it's a type of cereal. No wait, that's Kashi. I don't know either. Can't you buy kosher hot dogs?
Josh: Do you think it's okay to date a Jewish girl if you don't go to synagogue and don't know what it means to be kosher?
Me: Probably, because I just put in your profile that you're on here to get into a relationship with a Jewish girl and when it asked, I also put that you'd be willing to convert.

Fall TV

2009-09-30T17:31:00.001-07:00

I love TV. It's a mindless addiction that allows me to escape my own reality and a stressful day for a brief amount of time and with TiVo can fast forward through all the parts I don't want to see, only to watch the parts I do. But this fall, there is a LOT on TV. It's hard to keep up. Lucky for me, my roommate loves TV as much as I do and reminds me to watch the shows in a timely manner so he can delete and make more room in the TiVo. So from one part time couch potato to maybe another, here's my opinion of the fall television line up...

Grey's Anatomy

I feel as if this show died shortly after Denny Duquette. However, I'm too loyal NOT to watch. Same characters, minus George who wasn't really much of a character the last few seasons of the show anyway, with the same drama. Meredith is sad, Christina is angry, Izzie is cancerous and optimistic, McDreamy is NOT a real man, and Callie is sometimes a lesbian. The season premiere wasn't all that promising, but like Meredith and her abandonment issues, I just can't let it go.

Real Housewives of Atlanta

First of all, I refuse to believe that this is a fair representation of the REAL housewives of Atlanta. Second of all, it's hilarious. Between Kim's tormented love life with a married man who spends thousands of dollars on her to be a good mistress and keep his identity quiet and NeNe's one liners about weight, hair, food, and Kim, this one is a GREAT way to not only feel better about yourself but also come to the realization that just about anyone can have their own reality tv show now. If you are new to this show, expect a lot of drama, a lot of silicone and botox, and a lot of fashion shows that aren't really all that fashionable.

Toddlers & Tiarras

OH EM GEE...this one is great! I love it. It's synonomous with roadkill. You see it coming up, you know you shouldn't look, but you do anyway and are sickened by the fact that you did. T & T is an explosive reality show about mothers who put their young (anywhere between still wet behind the ears to 7 or 8) in beauty pagents where the WHOLE package means they have the look, the hair, the makeup, the outfit, the nails, the walk, etc. Again, we're talking about girls not old enough to wear a bra and some who aren't old enough to eat on their own. It's hysterical. 90% of the moms will say that their daughters are in pagents because they truly love it but as you watch, you realize their daughters are in pagents because they are being forced. Families who look like they could find a million and five better ways to spend money are spending thousands of dollars to put their kid in a pagent to win a title that is usually called "Ultimate Grand Supreme". I think that's also what I order at Taco Bell. Here's an actual quote from one episode: "You know, when they're younger and they don't win you can't yell at them or be mad or beat them or nothin, but when they're older like 7 or 8, it's a whole different ballgame." I hope that Child Protective Services has this show TiVo'd.

The Good Wife

This is a new one in the fall line-up and is a drama featuring Julianna Margulies. It's fantastic! It's about a woman who's senator husband is in jail although, other than being caught with hookers, we're not quite sure why. So she goes back to being a practicing attorney and it's not your typical lawyer show. She doesn't always get her way, there's not always a happy ending, and at the end of the day she's still trying to shield her children from the rumors about their dad in the media. It's so good. I love it and I didn't think I would love her in much of anything after ER.

Modern Family

Okay, so sitcoms are making a come back. Thank goodness! I'm not sure I could handle one more scripted reality television show. Now for those of you skeptical about sitcoms, I understand your reasons. I, too, was disappointed in pretty much anything after Friends and Seinfeld. But this one is great! It's hysterical, inappropriate, and ridiculous. There's not really even a plot, but it's focused on three families: two gay men who just adopted a baby that they presented to their family by holding her up above their heads and playing the Lion King soundtrack, a married couple with three children who are sort of boring except that the dad is trying so hard to be cool that he has learned choreography to High School Musical, and a "senior" man (formerly Al on Married With Children) married to a very young little Spanish hottie with an overweight son who writes love letters to teenagers. It's great!

Glee

Ironically, as I type this, I'm watching this one now! This one is a huge hit! It's corny and cheesy and ridiculous and doesn't pretend not to be. But the music is GREAT! It's about a dorky glee club in a dorky high school where the football players and cheerleaders rule the school but a couple of them have decided to glee club a chance! It's led by a washed up former glee nerd who's wife is pretending to be pregnant and they do covers of songs like Don't Stop Believin by Journey and Golddigger by Kanye West! All the songs are available on itunes and most of them end up on my iPod. The show is so dumb. If you are new to this one, go into it knowing that. BUT, if you have a sense of humor, you'll laugh hysterically when the football team does a choreographed dance to Put a Ring On It by Beyonce so that the flaming closeted gay kicker will be able to punt to score.

America's Next Top Model

Skip it. They should rename the show to "Tyra Banks Miserable Attempt to Convince America That She Is As Amazing As She Thinks She Is". Dear Tyra, "smyze" isn't a real word and smiling with your eyes is an excuse to take a modelly picture and not look uber-slutty.

Project Runway

Best season yet! I love it! Last week, they made dresses from newspaper and there were a few that I found myself really wanting to purchase and not thinking twice about the ink smudges I would have all over from wearing it. The girls are awesome...the boys are dreadful! So far they've had to design maternity wear, party dresses, and costumes! It truly makes me wish I could sew...so instead, I just try on clothes in my closet that haven't fit in awhile...it's sort of the same...but not really.

My roommate may or may not agree with my assessments. But then again, he also TiVo's The Family Guy and a show called Squidbillies. If this behavior continues, his share of the rent may go up on principle alone! Thank goodness we have 2 tv's!

The Difference a Year Makes

2009-06-15T11:17:00.001-07:00

This week marks a very significant year long journey in my life.

I've decided to write the top 10 things I've learned that this past year has taught me...
10) not eating doesn't make it go away. it really just makes you hurt even worse.
9) NO ONE else can make you happy
8) if you hate your job, get out of it...life's too short to spend that much time doing something that makes you miserable
7) time can be your best friend AND your worst enemy
6) it often gets worse before it can get better
5) rock bottom isn't as lonely as one would think
4) friends make the world go around
3) it's not makeup or size or outfits or hair color that make you beautiful, it's the natural glow of happiness
2) EVERYTHING (the good, the bad, the ugly) happens for a reason
1) if I had to relive the past year of my life all over again with the same results...i would.

A year ago, I never could have imagined the place I'd be in now. But I love it. And every tear and every argument and every painful moment along the way, makes the "now" feel so much more amazing, legitimate, appreciated, and real.

SO, Summer 2009, listen up...I'm ready for a do-over. You better not disappoint! Okay? Understood? Great. Thanks.

Ode to a roommate

2009-05-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Until January of this year, I had lived by myself for years. I'm a difficult person to live with. I leave clothes on the floor, I take a lot of naps, I would rather not cook to avoid doing the dishes, I hate taking out the garbage, and I love tv shows that don't always appeal to everyone. But in January, one of my closest and dearest friends saved me once again by moving in with me. While it increased the amount of garbage, dirty dishes, and consistent messes in the bathroom, it has helped with the bills, always having someone to watch and critique Celebrity Apprentice with and a great pal to sit around and do nothing with.

But my roommate isn't just a roommate. I'm not sure there is an appropriate word for the type of friend that Josh has been to me. I met Josh many years ago in "the field" of young professionals still hanging around the college scene by working in Greek Life. I met Josh through a mutual friend because initially he had a crush on me. I don't know how truly flattered I am by this because since I've known him, I'm not completely convinced that he's ever met a girl he didn't have a crush on...but that's another story.

Josh and I became quick friends. He was a Southern transplant but fit in so well as he went to undergrad and grad school in MS. We stayed in touch throughout the years, seeing each other at a conference here and there and a couple of facilitation experiences between that. Then one day Josh told me he was applying for a job at TCU so he could move out of Kentucky. All I remember thinking was, "Damn, I wish I found the job first". But being the amazing friend he is, he informed me that there were 2 open positions and I should apply for the same job that he did...which I did...which I got. Feeling a burden of guilt for this, I then rallied to have Josh fill the other position. I couldn't imagine working with anyone else. He did get the job and we moved to Fort Worth, TX from Kentucky and Alabama within a couple of weeks from each other.

We started at TCU in June of 2007. Within a few weeks, I got screwed out of my office with a window and was banished to the basement to share an office with Josh...as his boss (sort of). To say it was awkward would be an understatement. To say it put a strain on our relationship would also be an understatement. Josh and I have VERY different work styles. For example, while I might be checking email and trying to have a meeting with a student, it was not uncommon for him to watch a missed episode of The Office, write inappropriate quotes on a dry erase board, throw m&m's at me, or cuss all sorts of phrases frequently heard by sailors. During this time, I also started dating a fellow coworker. At the time, I thought things were great for me. Hindsight is always 20/20. I thus forced my friend Josh to befriend my boyfriend so I could have the best of both worlds...my best buddy and my boyfriend. Deep down on the inside, I think I knew that surely things with the boyfriend would last that much longer knowing that I came with a friend like Josh...afterall, he's the super fun, super hilarious, professional drinking, witty as all get out, smart as a whip, always opinionated, musically knowledgeable friend. Everyone needs a friend like Josh. And surely everyone wants a girlfriend who could bring a "Josh" to the table.

So fast forward several months...to June of 2008. Josh, the boyfriend and I went away for a weekend to Frog Camp, a three day, freshman orientation-esque event offered at TCU. All three of us were chosen as facilitators. When the three of us got back, Josh dropped me and the boyfriend off at my apartment and I got dumped...big time. And it sucked. It was a Friday afternoon. I called Josh immediately. Josh was dumbfounded and was at a loss for words. He came over immediately and sat at the edge of my bed for 3 days while I cried and didn't get out of it. He would try to convince me food would help even when I didn't have an appetite. He went with me to a palm reader and tried to help analyze the reading in my favor. And he listened and he offered advice.

He listened to me for those three days, which were followed by an excruciating three months of realizing how much I hated my job, how unhappy I was in life and having to tell my grandfather goodbye for the last time. He taught me to play dominos and played with me almost every night as it was the only time I wasn't thinking about how miserable I was. He watched John Mayer concerts over and over on dvd while I somehow felt the need to relate each song back to my life. He stayed up late night with me just talking and helping me process. He tried to make me laugh and never tried to make me stop crying.

In September I left TCU. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life and while some still try to convince me otherwise, had less to do with the ridiculous boyfriend than it did with how unhappy I was in my job. Josh helped me move. In December, Josh left TCU as well and moved on to SMU realizing that the job he thought he loved really wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He moved in with me and once again saved me, this time monetarily by splitting all my bills. Josh has had to sacrifice a lot to live with me. He commutes over a half hour in still traffic every morning to get to work and sleeps in the living room of our one bedroom apartment.

I have thought about this next part a million times and not sure I can ever come up with a satisfactory answer. I'm not sure how I can ever repay Josh for his friendship. I wish I would have known the day I met him how truly lucky I was to have someone as amazing as him want to be a part of my life. He is unselfish and caring, funny and emotional, loving and gracious, accepting and loyal, patient and sincere, witty and charming and deserves more than I could ever give back to him in our friendship. He is truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met and not a day goes by that a) I don't make fun of him for SOMETHING and b) that I am thankful to have him in my life. Words can not express my gratitude for always listening when he had heard my emotional babble a million times before and for letting me be exactly who I am even when it grates on his last nerve.

Last night we sipped on wine and discussed how he never believed in platonic friendship until he met me. He told me I'm the sister he never had but always wanted. I told him I'll probably ask him to be my maid of honor. But even conversations like those, blogs like this, or the "how can I ever repay you's" will ever be enough. Never.

I hope for everyone that they have a friend in their life who as amazing as this one is to me. Thanks Josh...my life is better because you've been a part of it!

Homecoming

2009-04-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I'm going to Homecoming for my college. I know...it's spring...isn't that supposed to be in the fall? At most schools, yes. But I went to a women's college (some men go there too) and so clearly without a football team, the fall isn't our ideal time to go. So we have Homecoming in the Spring. For the first time in several years, I'm going...only because one of my best friends from "The W", Sarah, practically all but bribed me to.

The W was not the typical college experience...I'm not really even all that sure how I ended up there. It was a school RICH in tradition but one that seems to be going downhill over the past few years with renegade alumnae, constant headlines about university name changes and revolts against the college president...all a little embarrassing for my tastes. At The W, it was the cool thing to live in the dorms for 4 years, to sing college songs in the cafeteria, to walk backwards through "The Old Maids Gate" in order to avoid being destined to be husbandless after graduation, and to join "2-years" which for all intents and purposes were this school's version of secret societies.

There were 3 "2-years". At the end of your sophomore year, you go through another 3 day tradition called Sophomore/Junior rivalry in which the two classes pretend to hate each other and participate in ridiculous events that most people would consider crazy, cult-like or hazing. But we did it...and the University supported it. At the end of the 3 days, the sophomores sit in empty dorm rooms with nothing more than a phone. And they wait. They wait to get "called" by the 2-year that they have wanted to be a part of since they were freshman. The only real significance of this call is committing yourself to intense pledging for your entire Junior year. Like most of my sophomore friends, I sat and waited and by the end of the night, I was called by the Maskers. Maskers have only 11 spots that they can fill, but unlike the other 2 groups, they will call twice the number of spots that they have. So for the entire summer, you sit in waiting again...hoping that you do all the right things and that you're good enough to get called a second time in the fall...after all, these girls were known as the "11 Best Girls on Campus". Go ahead...you can laugh. I do all the time.

So with the start of my Junior year, it was Welcome Week and I was an Orientation leader and rush chair and was busy. But I got a note one day to be in my room by a certain time. I knew I would either get a call while I waited...or I wouldn't. Alas, I got called and my journey as a Masker began. So, off I went, forming a bond with 10 other girls that I never would have been friends with otherwise...Sarah was one of these.

Time has changed all of us. Of the 11 of us, 1 is now a lesbian, 8 are married, 7 have children, and 2 of us are living up the single life. I'm not extremely excited to go. However, there is one thing I'm quite excited about...playing in the band. As a Masker, you and your "10 best friends" are forced into an intoxicatingly cute washboard band. We had practice and drama and fights but it was what we did. Of the 11 band members, we played the guitar, sticks, a comb, tub (my instrument), washboard, tamborine, kazoo, blocks, banjo, shakers, spoons, a bucket, bongos and an amazingly intriguing instrument called the rack and bells. It was fun. Part of Homecoming in the spring is the most hilarious part of all when alumnae ranging in age get back behind their instrument and try to play with as much "cuteness" as they did when they were 20. Ha! I can't wait. We sang songs about America and the South...old songs and songs we made up on our own. We played at hospitals and nursing homes and university events. It is one of my very most favorite memories of The W and I can't wait to play in the band this week!

I am not the best alum of The W. I don't donate money, I support my graduate school alma mater sometimes more, and I don't go back and visit as often as I'm invited to. But Sarah has convinced me that what is most important about our experience there was the friendships we made while there and the memories we had.

So I'll go to my sorority Homecoming event and visit my friends/pledge class there and then I'll go to Masker Homecoming and play in the band. Of the 11 of us, 8 of us will be there, staying in a hotel together, going out together like we did in college, probably singing obnoxious Dixie Chicks karaoke and eating at our most favorite places. While the drama that surrounds The W is quite unappealing to me, it's the memories from this place that I should remember the most...and I'm lucky to have had great ones. I miss my girlfriends and I'm anxious to see my pledge sisters, take pictures all over campus, and see my old dorm rooms where I've written my names on the doors. Maybe it will restore my opinion of The W, maybe it won't. But I am anxious to walk on the sidewalks in front of the buildings and remember who I was when I was there, and come home so thankful for how much I've grown and matured in the years since I've been away.

The Importance of Banana Pudding

2009-03-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

I love banana pudding. I think I just about have for as long as I can remember. I could eat it every day. But not ALL banana pudding!!!! I guess once could say I have banana pudding bias...I have dog bias (not all dogs are cute to me), car bias (not all cars are cool to me), song bias (just because it's set to music doesn't make it a song to me), and banana pudding bias too. For example, if it's just pudding with a Nilla Wafer on top, that doesn't count as real banana pudding. I need mine to be thick and FULL of Nilla Wafers, banana slices and the perfect amount of whipped cream. Banana pudding like this is hard to come by.

I need my banana pudding to be complicated and dramatic and full and messy...but that's me...complicated and dramatic and fill and messy.

I'm the type of person who worries too much about things I have no control over. I create things to worry about and over analyze something until it almost doesn't exist. My roommate tells me that when I do this, I have banana pudding in my head.
For example, if things are going really well in life or in a relationship or in a job or in a day, I suddenly panic that if everything is going right then nothing is going wrong and something should always be going wrong so I find something I need to then worry about. This is banana pudding. It's gotten to the point now where if I even start a conversation about something that is ridiculous or pointless to worry about, my roommate simply says "banana pudding". I love him for that.

So I just finished eating banana pudding. It was okay...not amazing, not terrible. But it made me think that I haven't heard my roomie tell me I have banana pudding in my head in a very long time...and I'm not really worried about anything right now...and I can't really think of anything I could possibly worry about...I think this shows progress. I think this shows that I can be okay with things being okay. I think this proves that there is only one place meant for good, messy, chaotic banana pudding and that's in my belly!

Travelling

2009-02-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

For those that know me well, they know that from the moment I get behind the wheel of my car, the road rage seems to turn on faster than the radio. Today was no different. I had a doctors appointment, 25 minutes away and had made every plan in the world to leave 45 minutes before it started. However, I got stuck in a couple of conversations with my superiors at work and low and behold, I found myself leaving work in hopes of getting there in 30 minutes to make it on time.
Like any other trip, my rage got the best of me. I was cussing people who would stop traffic because they don't know how to merge, speeding furiously around cars going less than 40 because the driver was on their cell phone and honking at cars in the fast lane that were swerving only to pass them on the right to realize that they were having difficulty driving, talking on their phone, and smoking a cigarette all at the same time. It infuriates me. I use my horn often and therefore believe that other people have the right to use their horn at me. However, I would like to hope that usually I can admit when I'm the bad driver!
So as I'm speeding around everyone like a crazed maniac trying to get to my appointment, it made me realize that I will be doing a lot more travelling this month. I will be flying to Atlanta next week and to D.C. the week after. Therefore in the midst of it all, my road rage suddenly seemed quite small compared to the rage I get in airports...similar to road rage, but way worse and without a horn.
In my next life, I will create rules for airports, or even a book entitled "An Idiots Guide to Navigating Airports...Assume YOU'RE the idiot." While this book would probably come with many many chapters, I think the first 10 could be summed up like so...
1-Leaving a bathroom is like merging onto an interstate-When you leave the bathroom, you ARE NOT under any circumstances allowed to step out into the flow of traffic and stop because now you're confused. You wouldn't do that with your car would you? You must not disrupt the flow as there are many people in an airport who do in fact know where they are going and now you've done nothing but piss them off.
2-If you choose to store your luggage in an overhead bin that is at least more than 2 rows behind your seat, that means that there is a slight chance you boarded late...I won't get into those reasons, however, if you so choose to take this option, you forfeit your right to get off the plane with your row. You will only disrupt everything. You must sit and wait.
3-Bladders are yours. No one knows your bladder better than you do. However, unless you have a special condition, that are taking medication for, then you sometimes know when you have to pee several minutes before you need to. GO BEFORE YOU GET ON THE PLANE! There should be no reason why the second after the seatbelt sign goes off that there is suddenly a fruitbasket turnover while people scurry to see who can use a fake bathroom first.
4-Remember, food stinks...including your own. Eat it before you bring it on board. Not everyone loves the smell of the overpriced food you are scarfing down. Some of these foods include but are not limited to...hot dogs with kraut, pizza, caesar salads, and tuna sandwiches. No egg salad of any kind EVER.
5-If you allow your children to wear roller skate shoes in an airport, I would consider you a security threat because they are stupid...and annoying for other people. If your kid needs to feel as if they are constantly moving with the wind in their hair, let them run to your destination city.
6-Not EVERYONE needs a blue tooth. For example, someone who might is maybe someone who is legitimately doing work, before a meeting that he is on his way to, and he will speak softly into it while he also types on his computer and flips through files he has brought along with him. If you are just an average joe, in a velour sweat suit that may not fit appropriately, with nails that are fake and way too long with children running amock, there is absolutely no reason in the world for you to be on your blue tooth or phone or yelling into it for that matter. If I hear "Oh no she didn't" or "Did you hear what so and so did last night?" then the conversation can wait. Be respectful.
7-If you are going to sit in the window seat, pee before you get on the plane.
8-Everyone on the plane gets that you're in a hurry. But there is absolutely NOTHING that anyone can do about it and yes, it might suck that you may miss your connection flight because you are sitting in rown 46F and HAVE to get to the front, but really no one cares. No one really cares the first time nor are they any more concerned for you the 30th time you've said it in hopes that the flight attendant will suddenly kick open an emergency door so that you can piddle your way through the terminal to your next gate.
9-WALK QUICKLY! DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WALKWAY.
10-If the passenger next to you appears to be sleeping, chances are they do not want to talk to you...not about life, or your kids, or the weather, or anything else.

Just thought that maybe if I recognize all of the things that I know will get under my skin next week when I fly that maybe I'll just be able to laugh it all off and not care. Doubt it though! Happy travels!